A bad case of “Why Me”

I haven’t written all week and wanted so badly to get back here.  I just had an hour of  insanity with my family.  My mom and brother that is.  I have one brother and he does not have a clue about me being sick.  I have tried over an over again to explain it.  He has seen me very sick on many occasions and yet I am constantly accused of being lazy.  Lazy I am really far from.  Its been a bad week all around and this is just the icing on the cake.  I am at my wits end in all aspects of my life.  I feel like everything is tumbling out of control and I can’t do anything about it.  Its been a while since I have felt this bad physically and emotionally.  Today is one of those days I want to crawl under a rock and stay there.  From past experience I know I can’t do that.  I am usually a very upbeat happy person even when I am really sick.  The emotional toll this week has taken on me has gotten me to a point I don’t know how to get back from.

I’m angry.  I’m angry that I have Fibro and all my other illnesses. I’m angry that after being sick for 14 years that my brother who thinks he is perfect doesn’t understand.  I’m angry that even though my parents understand and are supportive of me that they don’t protect me from his emotional attacks.  I’m angry that I can’t work a full time job like most people can.  I’m angry, I’m hurt, I’m frustrated…why me???

I feel bad for my husband having to put up with all this and my son having to see me in this condition.  I feel bad venting all this out here for you to read but I think its probably the healthiest thing for me.  I am sure I am saying things that others feel.

All I know to do at this point is turn to the Serenity Prayer because it says it all.

God, grant me the strength to accept the things I can not change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And  the wisdom to know the difference

Sometimes that prayer is the only thing that gets me through the day and today is one of those days.

Hopefully next time I write I can be in a much better place mentally and get rid of of this “Why me” crap.

God Bless All

And so it begins……

I was up late last night reading some of the great blogs here about Fibromyalgia and Chronic illness.  After spending the morning thinking about it I decided that it may to helpful to myself or others to share my story or stories.  I am hoping that all don’t find my writing as whining or boring.  If one person gets a chuckle or “I’m not alone” out of it is worth my while.

I am 29 years old and live in a very small south east Michigan town.  Besides my health I do have a great life.  I have a wonderful husband that loves me more than I believe is possible.  I am not an easy person to love and live with.  This much I do know.  I have an incredible 7 year old son that is the world to me.  Being a young boy he is into all the normal stuff, sports, friends, hunting, he loves anything outdoors, and is a great reader like his father.  We own a small local market / gas station that my husband runs and I work there when I am able to.  I been having more bad days than good lately so I haven’t been there as much as I would like to. 

I have been struggling with my health since I was 15 and acquired a terrible case of mono.  It seems as though ever since then my health has been on the decline and at its worst the past few months.  It is a major ordeal these days just to go through the pain of getting out of bed in the morning.  I have a growing list of illnesses that I am battling including, Fibro, Chronic Epstein Barr Virus, IBS, COPD (Chronic Bronchitis), and because of all these I also struggle with depression and anxiety issues as I think anyone would.

My son said something last night that really struck me hard and got me thinking. A couple of friends were over and we sitting watching a movie.  A scene came on that showed a girl sleeping on the couch.  He said “That’s what my mom does all day long”.  It just about broke my heart to hear him say that.  He is right although I typically am in my bed not on the couch.  I know that he sees me sick a lot but there is no way a 7 year old can understand chronic illness as my 42 year old husband doesn’t really even get it.  I do not want my son growing up seeing me laying around sick.  He has had to visit me in the hospital and see me run off to the emergency room way to many times.  I hope and pray it doesn’t turn into him believing he had a terrible childhood.  I do as much as I can with him even if out quality time is spent watching a movie together or reading.  I do wish I could do more.  I am sure he doesn’t like hearing “Mommy doesn’t feel good today”.  Seems like lately he hears it everyday. 

I spent most of day today at my parents house ( which is only a couple blocks from my own) chasing after my 20 month old nephew.  Wow am I glad I am through that stage with my son.  I also thank God   I have him that I only had one child.  He must have known that 1 was going to be my limit.  My son has a buddy coming to spend the night with us so I will be on patrol until they fall out.  I think I should go get a hot bath before they get here and the chaos starts.

Hope everyone had a delightful Turkey day.  My stomach is still recoving and I can’t keep my hands out of the left overs!

Thank you in advance to all who read and comment.  I look forward to writing more tomorrow!